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Joke Of The Day..

NatillaLiz

Mrs. Garcia
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A nun was sitting at the airport waiting for her flight to
Chicago. She looked over & saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune.

Deciding to give it a try, she went to the machine, stepped
on the scale and put her nickel in. Out came a card saying, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 Lbs and you're going to Chicago".

The nun sat back down & told herself the machine probably
gives the same reading to Everyone. The more she thought about it, the more curious she was, so she decided to try it again.

She went back to the machine and put another nickel in. Out came a card, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago and you're going to play a fiddle.

The nun said to herself, I know this is wrong. I've never
played a musical instrument In my life. She went back to her seat. Then, a cowboy came and sat down, putting
his fiddle on the seat between them.

Without thinking, she opened the case, took out the fiddle and started playing. Surprised at what she'd done, she looked at the machine and decided to try again.

She went back and put in another nickel. The card said "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago & you're going to break wind."

Now, she knew the machine was wrong. She'd never broken wind in public in her life. But getting off the scale, she slipped and straining to keep from falling, she broke wind.

Stunned, she sat down and looked at the machine, thinking I have to try this again. She went back to the machine and dropped in another nickel.

Another Card came out. It read, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you've fiddled & farted around & missed
your flight to Chicago.
 

NatillaLiz

Mrs. Garcia
Freestyle Nation
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Divorce Letter

Dear wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it....These last 2 weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.
You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that
connects us as husband & wife. Either you are cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever thecase, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia
together! Have a great life!



Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica !!!!!
But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.
My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.
So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
 

Princess

Mamalicious Freestyler
aw that was sweet as hell lol!
 

varrinique

FM MoDz
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Freestyle.FM Dee Jays
salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door.

A twelve year-old boy who has a cigar in one hand,a glass of bourbon in the other and a Hustler magazine tucked under his arm opens the door.

The salesman says, "Hello,sonny,is your mom or dad home?"
The little boy says,"What the hell do you think?!"

lmao!
 

NatillaLiz

Mrs. Garcia
Freestyle Nation
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IDIOT SIGHTING

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!'
His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS




IDIOT SIGHTING:

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that
one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large'
enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute,
and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time,
a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady,
you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and
I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, 'You gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
From Kingman , KS



IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell
and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind
the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry,
but they only had iceberg lettuce.
-- From Kansas City



IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded,
'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.


IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She's a probation officer in Wichita , KS


IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken.
We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.


IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff 's office, no less.

How would you pronounce this child's name? "Le-a"

Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.

This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It's pronounced "Ledasha", When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."
SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.


STAY ALERT!
They walk among us, they VOTE and REPRODUCE
 

NatillaLiz

Mrs. Garcia
Freestyle Nation
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A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, “I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!”
The Madam is astonished. “But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal.”

The trucker replies, “Listen sweetheart, I ain’t horny, I’m homesick.”
 
A guy walks into a bar in Kentucky and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
> > The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
> >
> > The guy says, "No, I'm from Ontario, Canada."
> >
> > The bartender says, "What do you do in Ontario,Canada?"
> >
> > The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
> >
> > The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"
> >
> > "No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
> >
> > The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."
> >
 

NatillaLiz

Mrs. Garcia
Freestyle Nation
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LMAO!!! Ohh man that's funny! AHAHAHA Thanks Willito! Just Made My DAY!! :xlaugh:
 
Willow Says: Having sex with a woman in Lace makes you a Holy man...............:booya:
 

NatillaLiz

Mrs. Garcia
Freestyle Nation
FreestyleMania.com
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Three women left separately after a very late night out drinking Guinness until the early hours. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who had been the most drunk.

The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks".

To which the second gal replied, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, I go in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!"

They all looked at each other for a moment. Then the first gal says: "Ladies, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."
 
A guy got on a bus one day and sat in the aisle seat beside an elderly lady. A few minutes later, he couldn't control himself and had to let loose a big noisy fart. Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her "Do you by any chance have today's paper?"

The lady looked at him and said "No, but the next time we pass by a tree I'll grab you a handful of leaves".
 

NatillaLiz

Mrs. Garcia
Freestyle Nation
FreestyleMania.com
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Traffic Camera--

I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera.
I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though
I knew that I was not speeding.

Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving
even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as
I passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.

I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing
as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.


You know, you just can't fix stupid.
 

NatillaLiz

Mrs. Garcia
Freestyle Nation
FreestyleMania.com
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An Iowa senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing" he thought as he flew down I-380, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Washington State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, and said "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding -- a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused, then he said "Four years ago, my wife ran off with a Washington State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back!”

"Have a good day, Sir" replied the trooper.
 

NatillaLiz

Mrs. Garcia
Freestyle Nation
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A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by

throwing herself into the ocean.



But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man

stopped her.



"You have so much to live for," said the man."I'm a sailor, and we're off to

Europe tomorrow, and I can stow you away on my ship. "I'll take care of you, bring

you food every day, and keep you happy."



With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe,

the woman accepted.



That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small, but

comfortable, compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would

bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.



Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine

inspection."What are you doing here?" asked the captain.



"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied.

"He brings food and I get a free trip to Europe ."



"I see," the captain says.



Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "plus, he's screwing me."



"He certainly is," replied the captain, "this is the Staten Island Ferry "
 

NatillaLiz

Mrs. Garcia
Freestyle Nation
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My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, & I said, "Fried chicken".
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right,
because everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful & honest, & I am.
Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened,
& he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much. I do, too.
Especially chicken, pork & beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to our Principal Knox's office.
I told him what happened, & he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken.
She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.
So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to Mr. Knox's office again. He laughed, & told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders".
Guess where I am now???
 
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