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Joke Of The Day..

NatillaLiz

Mrs. Garcia
Freestyle Nation
FreestyleMania.com
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An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini -
"I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.
"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says.
"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated.
"NO! Get away from me!"
"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.
She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!"

"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed.
She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money....
"Well, OK...but only for a minute."

She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.

Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"

While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...
OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?
 
A guys zipper is down. Girl says u're garage is open. He asks, did u see my Harley? She says no I saw a mini bike with 2 fat tires.......
 

NatillaLiz

Mrs. Garcia
Freestyle Nation
FreestyleMania.com
ClubFreestyle.Com
NHBFreestyle.Com
FreestyleRemix.Com
NYFreestyle.Com
MaximumFreestyle.Com
LatinFreestyle.Com
Problems Driving

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
 

NatillaLiz

Mrs. Garcia
Freestyle Nation
FreestyleMania.com
ClubFreestyle.Com
NHBFreestyle.Com
FreestyleRemix.Com
NYFreestyle.Com
MaximumFreestyle.Com
LatinFreestyle.Com
In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years.
Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I herby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

And with that command, the statues came to life, smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.

The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head."
 

NatillaLiz

Mrs. Garcia
Freestyle Nation
FreestyleMania.com
ClubFreestyle.Com
NHBFreestyle.Com
FreestyleRemix.Com
NYFreestyle.Com
MaximumFreestyle.Com
LatinFreestyle.Com
Newly issued alcohol warnings


1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.
 

NatillaLiz

Mrs. Garcia
Freestyle Nation
FreestyleMania.com
ClubFreestyle.Com
NHBFreestyle.Com
FreestyleRemix.Com
NYFreestyle.Com
MaximumFreestyle.Com
LatinFreestyle.Com
i get tongue tied when I get nervous! or upset! LOL so yeah, #4 for me too! HAHA even sober, but when I'm drunk as a skunk I can actually talk without slurring...funny, I WANT to slurr! But I concentrate to not toO! HAHAHA
 

NatillaLiz

Mrs. Garcia
Freestyle Nation
FreestyleMania.com
ClubFreestyle.Com
NHBFreestyle.Com
FreestyleRemix.Com
NYFreestyle.Com
MaximumFreestyle.Com
LatinFreestyle.Com
A man is washing his sweatshirt and asks his wife what setting he needs to set it to.
She asks what it says on the sweatshirt, he says *University Of Oklahoma*....Doh!
:xmask:
 

NatillaLiz

Mrs. Garcia
Freestyle Nation
FreestyleMania.com
ClubFreestyle.Com
NHBFreestyle.Com
FreestyleRemix.Com
NYFreestyle.Com
MaximumFreestyle.Com
LatinFreestyle.Com
Important Woman's Health Issue

WARNINGS:
Important Women's Health Issue:

* Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
* Do you suffer from shyness?
* Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.
Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.

Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing
to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regimen
of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.
Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas.

Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas.
However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:

- Dizziness
- Nausea
- Vomiting
- Incarceration
- Erotic lustfulness
- Loss of motor control
- Loss of clothing
- Loss of money
- Loss of virginity
- Table dancing
- Headache
- Dehydration
- Dry mouth
- And a desire to sing Karaoke

WARNINGS:

* The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
* May cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
* May cause you to think you can sing.
* May make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting..
 

NatillaLiz

Mrs. Garcia
Freestyle Nation
FreestyleMania.com
ClubFreestyle.Com
NHBFreestyle.Com
FreestyleRemix.Com
NYFreestyle.Com
MaximumFreestyle.Com
LatinFreestyle.Com
For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?', here's an up date for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage! -Andy Rooney
 

Sweet_V

Freestyler Xtreme
A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What is a vagina, and what does it look like?" "Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose." "Wow, what does it look like after sex?" "Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"
LMAO!! ewww but funny :puke:
 

Sweet_V

Freestyler Xtreme
Im just now getting to read all of these. they are hilarious!!! THanks for sharing guys, i needed the laugh. ;)
 
I posted this elsewhere but if someone missed it, here it is....
A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69."

She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."

They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.

She says, "Answer the door."
He says, "But my face is a mess."
She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."

He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."

The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."
 
There was a farmer who owned a bull and a female cow and he was trying desperately to mate the two. No matter what he did the bull didn't want any.

Finally he went to a friend who claimed to have had the same problem. So he asked him what he could do. The friend told him that he had to stick his arm up the cows pussy and rub it on the bull's nose. After doing so the bull went crazy and started humping the cow over and over.

With the success of the bull the farmer starts to wonder if this will work for him. So that night he gets in bed and starts playing with his wife. He rubs his nose with his hand and gets the biggest boner he has ever gotten.

He wakes his wife and tells her to look. She looks, and with a mean look on her face says, "You woke me up to show me that you have a bloody nose."
 
A guy got on a bus one day and sat in the aisle seat beside an elderly lady. A few minutes later, he couldn't control himself and had to let loose a big noisy fart. Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her "Do you by any chance have today's paper?"

The lady looked at him and said "No, but the next time we pass by a tree I'll grab you a handful of leaves".
 
One day after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. “I’m lookin’ for the meanest, toughest, roughest hooker in the Yukon,” he said to the bartender.

“We got her,” replied the bartender. “She’s upstairs in the second room on the right.”

The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the door and yelled, “I’m looking for the meanest, roughest, toughest hooker in the Yukon.”

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, “Well, you found her.” Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.

“How do you know I want that position first?” asked the miner.

“I don’t,” replied the hooker, “I just thought you might like to open those beers first.”
 
This hot and dusty cowboy rode in from the mesa, filthy and exhausted. He obviously had had nothing but his horse for company for a couple of weeks and was looking forward to a couple of cold beers in the saloon. Swinging off his horse and hitching it to the rail, the cowboy gave his horse an affectionate slap on the neck. Then he astonished an old cowhand lounging on the porch by moving around to the horse's hindquarters, lifting up its tail and planting a demure kiss on its asshole. "What'd you do that for?" asked the cowhand, completely repulsed. "Chapped lips," said the cowboy, heading for the saloon doors. "Wait a minute," said the old guy. "Whaddaya mean, chapped lips?" "Keeps ya from lickin' 'em," explained the cowboy.
 
A '49er walked into the saloon at Bloody Gulch. He'd been prospecting for
more than a year.
"Hey! Y'got any wimmen around here?"
"Nope," the bartender replied, "But there's George in the back room."
"I don't go for that kind of thing," the prospector scowled. He
downed his drink and left disgustedly.
A few months passed before the miner found his way down the mountain again.
He stumbled into the tavern and asked the bartender, "Any wimmen pass through
this part of town?"
"Nope. Nary a one. But we still got George in the back room."
Angry, the miner shouted, "I told you I don't go for that kind of
thing," and turned on his heel and left.
Within a year he came back from his mine again. With a wild look on
his face he re-entered the saloon. Leaning over the bar he whispered to the
bartender, "If I was to go into the back room with George, how many people
'round here would know?"
"Oh," the bartender said, scratching his chin, "'bout seven, I guess."
"Seven!?"
"Yep. You, me, George, and the four men holdin' him down. You see,
George don't go for that kind of thing neither."
 
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