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Christmas Jokes

MariaSDF

Freestyler Xtreme
#1
The truth be told...

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of
being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the
liquor, and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
 

DJCaliente007

Freestyler Xtreme
#2
 

el_mas_querido

Freestyler Xtreme
#3
 

FEISTY

DOFCH.COM
DOFCH.COM
#4
Cute!
 

shadowman

Freestyle and DDR Junkie
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#7


Good one

 

DaUnknownAdmin

Captain Casual
Staff member
Administrator
Freestyle.FM Dee Jays
#8
I can't wait to tell my grand kids this story
 

FEISTY

DOFCH.COM
DOFCH.COM
#14
[b said:
Quote[/b] (MariaSDF @ Dec. 09 2004, 12:41 pm)]and another...
Ewwww @ "The last time we stop for Mexican food" ......
 

DaUnknownAdmin

Captain Casual
Staff member
Administrator
Freestyle.FM Dee Jays
#15
[b said:
Quote[/b] (feisty @ Dec. 09 2004, 12:46 pm)]
[b said:
Quote[/b] (MariaSDF @ Dec. 09 2004, 12:41 pm)]and another...
Ewwww @ "The last time we stop for Mexican food" ......
LOL, that's the best one!
 

NatillaLiz

Mrs. Garcia
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#17
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something "Christmassy".

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of panties.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

The third man answered "They're Carol's."
 

NatillaLiz

Mrs. Garcia
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#18
John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
 

NatillaLiz

Mrs. Garcia
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#19
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note :

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!

All my love.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."
 

NatillaLiz

Mrs. Garcia
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#20
Little Johnny's Letter to Santa


You must be surprised that I'm writing you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month! While filled with illusion I wrote you a letter and I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of rollerblades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year! Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you, Santa, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me. With my parents, my brothers, my friends and with my neighbors, I would go on errands and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing I wouldn't do for humanity! WHAT BALLS YOU HAVE LEAVING ME A FUCKING YO-YO, A STUPID ASS WHISTLE, AND A PAIR OF SOCKS! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING, YOU FAT SON OF A BITCH? YOU'VE TAKEN ME FOR A SUCKER THE WHOLE FUCKING YEAR, TO COME OUT WITH SOME SHIT LIKE THIS UNDER THE DAMN TREE. AS IF YOU HADN'T FUCKED ME ENOUGH, YOU GAVE THAT LITTLE SHITHEAD ACROSS THE STREET SO MANY FUCKING TOYS, THAT HE CAN'T EVEN WALK INTO HIS DAMN HOUSE! PLEASE DON'T LET ME SEE YOU TRYING TO FIT YOUR BIG FAT ASS DOWN MY CHIMNEY NEXT YEAR! I'LL FUCK YOU UP! I'LL THROW ROCKS AT THOSE STUPID ASS REINDEERS OF YOURS, AND SCARE THEM THE FUCK AWAY, SO YOU'LL HAVE TO WALK YOUR BIG FAT ASS BACK TO THE NORTHPOLE, JUST LIKE I HAVE TO DO SINCE YOU DIDN'T GET ME THAT FUCKING BIKE, YOU PUNK BITCH!! YOU KNOW WHAT SANTA, FUCK YOU!! NEXT YEAR YOU'LL FIND OUT HOW BAD I CAN REALLY FUCKING BE...YOU'VE BEEN SLEEPING ON A MOTHERFUCKER FAR TOO LONG! SO WATCH YOUR BACK NEXT YEAR, YOU FAT BITCH!

Sincerely, Johnny
 
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